If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
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be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I’m not stressed
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
My love language is hissing.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy