[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
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Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail