HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
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Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story