Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
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I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.