If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
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HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
😂😂
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?