“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
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I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
This made me smile…
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Home is where your toilet is.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets