The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
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[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Everyone’s family
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?