1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
You Might Also Like
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Why is everyone getting married at me
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT