Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
You Might Also Like
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
this is me
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Breaking news:
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.