[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
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Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Here’s a meme