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My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isnβt enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I saw my therapistβs notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as βthe combatantβ
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an βintroduction to beaversβ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
If by environmentalist you mean βI try to get out of doing things by saying itβs bad for the environmentβ then yes, Iβm an environmentalist.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
The funk soul brother
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
If you canβt afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piΓ±atas do
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? β£
β£
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Dohβ£