Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
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My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]