It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
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Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.