HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
You Might Also Like
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I gave up going to work for lent.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.