JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
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I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”