” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
You Might Also Like
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Whoa… oh I see lol
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔