I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
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Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.