Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
You Might Also Like
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat