When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
You Might Also Like
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
the prophecies have been fulfilled
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.