I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
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The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys