[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
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If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
all that yoga finally paid off
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities