Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
You Might Also Like
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Moms. The original autocorrect.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
6. me as a lawyer
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.