friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
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[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.