3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
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[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank