a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
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I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Introverted vegans go meetless
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”