Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
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Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it