[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
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lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute