My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
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Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison