[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”