Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
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If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.