[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
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*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
pictures of spider-man
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs