My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
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College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.