Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
You Might Also Like
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul