It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
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1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.