a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
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Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
The future is now.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint