My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
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If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I have a new favorite meme page
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early