I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
You Might Also Like
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*