*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
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Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.