Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
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me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes