[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
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Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.