Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
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My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
need a new bf mines broken 😐
this country is so goddamn polarized
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda