“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
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The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
doing your own taxes
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.