Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
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it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Twitter is an abusement park.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart