Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
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I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
stop
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
i think we should see other cousins
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18