Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
You Might Also Like
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Never forget.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
can’t bark with your mouth full
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.