GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
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that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
*pronounces bondage like corsage.