10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
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PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this