Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
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6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”