Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
You Might Also Like
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Oops I deleted….
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.