{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
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I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Me as a therapist: omg same
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Lmao the reply
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.